self-con·fi·dence | \ ˌself-ˈkän-fə-dən(t)s , -ˌden(t)s \ Definition of self-confidence : confidence in oneself and in one’s powers and abilities
No one who has met me would ever say, “Wow, that girl is really lacking some self-confidence.” Jokes on them 🤪
I have recently decided to start doing some self-reflection. Really, this stems from my relationships with others. I want the best for those I care about and my behavior and approach to them is included in that. I noticed or acknowledged that I have a tendency to want to prove myself. To who? Good question. I have made a mass of fictional people whom I feel I need to prove my worth. As my dad pointed out, no one doubts my worth but me.
I mention in conversations often having, what I refer to as “mom guilt.” I am in a constant state of feeling as if I am not doing enough, providing enough or just being enough. It is such a toxic feeling. I chalked it up to being a busy single mom, whose schedule and resources are often stretched too thin. As a teen mom, I pushed myself to prove that I was not a total screw up. I wanted to show that I made a poor decision, that I was not my poor decision. This drove me to continue my education through my GED, Bachelor’s degree and shortly, my Master’s degree. Now this seems all beneficial (which it is), but I was always pursing more to prove myself to others (which again my dad pointed out was no one). In my running, I compare my speed to others, my fear in the distance and my validity for being there. Recently I also noticed I do this in my professional life. I often have feelings of doubt in my role. Did I get this position by accident? Do I know what I am doing? Am I an asset to the team? These are not beneficial thoughts to carry. Finally, this has trickled over into my relationships. I doubt my contribution to relationships. I doubt my deservingness of a great relationship. I doubt my ability to mentally and physically be what my partner needs.
All of this being said, I feel like a weight has recently been lifted off my shoulders by just realizing and acknowledging this. By doing this, I am able to spend some much-needed time working on my doubts and myself. I write this in the hopes that it makes someone else not feel alone in this struggle. It is ok to not feel ok, but it is our responsibility to address it, for both ourselves and those we love. We all walk through life with some sort of baggage, but it is our responsibility to be self-aware and take the time to unpack the luggage.
“You wouldn’t worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.” -Eleanor Roosevelt